It's better this way
by alannalovingwriter
Summary: [Not continuing] Kel has to deal with some tough stuff...and Dom tries to help her, but she won't let him in.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters...no, they belong to Tamora Pierce. I don't own the song at the end either, it's _Full of Grace_ by Sarah McLachlan. It's a very very very good song, and really sad. I highly suggest listening to it...Please R&R.

* * *

It had been two years to the day. Kel sat on his grave, meditating. She knew it was her fault and she shouldn't be here, but the emptiness helped. It filled her, letting her revel in the pain it brought her. If only she had read the signs correctly. If only she had gotten there sooner. If only...if only... 

He still might be alive. She could only punish herself. Two years of penance was not enough. A lifetime of penance could never be enough. She lost her Yamani mask for moment, and a few tears traced their way down her face. No, she was not worthy enough to grieve. If only...

* * *

Dom had no idea how long she had been sitting there. He looked at her for a few peaceful moments before nodding to Raoul. They picked her up by her arms and marched her out of the catacombs. Kel protested the whole way, claiming that she needed to stay there. No one else blamed her for Neal's death, but she had never gotten over it.

"Kel, it's not your fault," Dom repeated as he and Raoul stood over her. She just glared at them.

"Kel, _I_ was there," Raoul said, "And I would be the first to let you know your mistake– if you had made one. You couldn't have done anything differently."

Kel shook her head, "I should have gone instead."

"Or I could have, or Dom here or any number of other knights. He _offered_ to go. He knew what he was doing. Kel, just _let go_." She stared at them both coldly.

"Just let go? Do you honestly think I can just_ let go?_ I watched my best friend die." She threw her head back and laughed; it was cold and hollow sounding. She was soon crying gently. Kel was never one for emotions, but she had just stopped caring. After the horror of Neal's surrender, Kel no longer cared about her mask. Sometimes it was convenient, like when she was meditating, but she usually just didn't bother. Kel had just stopped caring.

* * *

It tore Dom up to see Kel like this. She hadn't been truly happy since Neal's sacrifice. At first, she had tried to hide behind her mask, but after a few months, she had just given up. _Damn_ Neal for breaking her heart this way. Dom felt guilty himself, he knew all of the soldiers there did, but none had beat themselves up like Kel did. Maybe because he went instead of her. She did volunteer originally...But Neal had saved her from that awful fate, only to leave her for another: herself. Dom wanted so desperately to lover her. Well, he did love her, he just wanted to be allowed to love her openly. Kel had effectively shut him out along with everyone else. He was worried. Two years of this was not good for Kel.

* * *

Kel sat cross-legged on her bed. They had locked her up, afraid she was going to hurt herself. Like she could do that– it would be too easy. She needed the emotional– not physical– pain. She needed more of it– that's why she ignored him. She knew he loved her, and she loved him. Maybe too much. That was why she couldn't be with him– it would make her happy, make her complete. It reminded her of a song her mother sang when she was young. Back in the Yamani Islands, when Kel has no friends, she had nightmares. Her mother had always been there to wake her and sing...

_The winter here's cold, and bitter_

_It's chilled us to the bone_

_We haven't see the sun for weeks_

_Too long, too far from home_

_I feel just like I'm sinking_

_and I claw for solid ground_

_I'm pulled down by the undertow_

_I never though I could feel so low_

_Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go_...

Kel had fallen asleep while thinking, but her rest did not last long. It was only a few minutes before her nightmares overtook her. Waking up, Kel curled into a ball and let her tears fall...

_If all of the strength and all of the courage_

_Come and lift me from this place_

_I know I can love you much better than this_

_Full of grace _

_Full of grace_

_My love_

_So it's better this way, I said_

_Having seen this place before_

_Where everything we say and do_

_Hurts us all the more_

_It's just that we stayed, too long_

_In the same old sickly skin_

_I'm pulled down by the undertow_

_I never though I could feel so low_

_Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go_

_If all of the strength and all of the Courage_

_Come and lift me from this place_

_I know I could love you much better than this_

_Full of grace_

_I know I could love you much better than this_

_It's better this way. _


End file.
